doesn’t look good. i’m sorry.

25 Mar


it doesn’t look good, im sorry.

those words. they hit me hard. it was one of many quick runs to labor & delivery with this sweet baby girl inside. but this time it seemed different. it seemed more casual. more just in case. the bleeding was not as bad as it had been. but we were close. we were so close to viability. that word. oh, that word. so when that group of words,  it doesn’t look good, i’m sorry,  filled the room, those awful words, it hurt deep. . .4 years of hope. and prayer. and then answered prayer. and then unanswered prayer. how. how. how. what happens now. never again. never again. im done. sam cari madeira. done.

questions. surgery i hoped. no delivery. delivery? i had wanted to experience “real” childbirth, but this was not exactly what i had meant. i had felt cheated and robbed with madeira because i had not been able to do what billions had done before me. have a baby the way it was intended. healthy, strong, nurturing, nourishing. but now i was going to do just that. with a baby i would hold for an instant and then for earthly ever would be out of my arms. so wrong.

tears and pain.

one hope. hope in a heartbeat and a friend. don’t give up. that little baby’s heart is beating for you. don’t give up. she told me. it was hard to believe but i did.

that nite was awful. we lied to madeira. we lied to ourselves. we waited. we waited we waited.

as the sun rose without us, we waited. she, dr. ramos, she came, with hope. things look better. go home. lay. drink and rest.

and we did. we did with so many. without whom we could not have.

we did for 17 weeks.

she moved, she kicked, she grew. i drank, i laid, i prayed.i knitted. i visited.  i hoped. i was grateful for each day. i loved.  i felt loved. more than ever.

and then i woke. and i knew. it was time. we got dressed and left. madeira was so brave and sam so strong. we hoped. madeira brought juice and snacks for her birthday at school. she was loved. and taken care of, we were so loved.

lola came into the world. she was strong and brave and pink and little. i was sleeping and loved and so very protected. lola cried and was wheeled away. her strong daddy followed her. i was saved. and fixed. and was THIRSTY. i woke up alone but not. my first thought was not about my baby, but about my pain. i did not even remember that i had had a baby. i was hurting and thirsty. minty sponges were shoved in my mouth, but the thirst did not stop.

and then my brain turned on. where is my baby? is she ok? is she really here? how?

but answers had to wait. replenishment came first. replenishment from others. strangers. for whom i owe it all. blood from strangers. you never know what it means until it means so much.

moving day, icu to ante partum. you go to ante instead of post when things aren’t smooth. thankfully. because i love those ladies. brynn, sydney . . .forever in my heart. someone told me, right now, while you are transported ask to see your baby. ask now. i seriously have no idea who said that to me (i also asked for someone to help me go to the bathroom while i still had a catheter (they did), so i am not to be trusted, but i am pretty sure this moment happened).

someone pushed me in to the nicu, corner room on the right. she got the corner office. blessed girl. i rolled up and reached my hand into the hole. we touched. i said aloud. we made it. we made it. and i cried. she was mine. and she was here. it was short. but oh so sweet.

a few days later i went home. she did not. she stayed, she needed more time. and maybe i did too. we hoped for her to come home on thanksgiving, but it was not time. still thankful. soon, though. one day, they said go get her car seat. it was time.

she came home. we were home. 4 as 1. unbelievable. how. blessed. grateful.

she is now 1 and so feisty. a feisty fighter. no is her favorite word. it doesn’t look good, NO, NO, NO. it does. it looks like a sweet baby girl, with a hole in her heart that will grow together.

oh lola capri.

so grateful. and changed.

so many do not get the same ending. why is that? i would love to know. i still follow the stories of many who were not so lucky. we went through the potential loss together, but my loss became a gain. why? i believe in god. i believe in a loving god. i do not ever pretend to know why. but i am so grateful that we got to become 4 and that we did not remain 3 or become 2. i feel great compassion for those who do. the rest of our lives we will be grateful. and hopeful.

it was time to share. for me to begin to feell this. to begin to understand.

thank you for giving. and hearing.and hoping

it does look good. and i am not sorry.

double rainbow

21 Feb

when i was pregnant with lola i said that if this little baby girl makes it, we are having the biggest party ever to celebrate and after a crazy year and a miracle fighter baby, we were ready to party.  we had a double rainbow party for the girls. it was a blast. lola turned 1 and madeira turned 9. i think my girls are even more amazing than a double rainbow even if it does go all the way across the sky.



birthday girl no. 1

shirt from the french press in santa barbara. narwahls and unicorns and rainbows. perfection.


especially with sangria. what even a kid party needs a little adult fun. right?

the kids got crazy creative with this. it was great.IMG_0068

we played guess who. photos of lola, madeira and mama. it was hard!IMG_0074

the birthday girl no. 2 with grandpa.IMG_0076

the kids didn’t mess around at the art table.IMG_0078



the lola and and madeira masks were a hit. as was the most amazing face painter ever. ask me if you ever need one in santa barbara. she is an artist.



our cakes & ice cream were done by donna gemberling with confectionately yours in santa barbara, as their gift. i mean seriously. gorgeous and delicious.

oh and that house, our friends let us “borrow” it for the party.

we so scored in the friend department. what a day.


i chart you

5 Dec

navy___teal-01 poppy_(2)

i love these. perfect for a baby nursery or a wedding gift or . . .

shows your family history in a unique and beautiful way.

get yours at i chart you

photos from site

Party in a Box

1 Nov img21o





img76oI am officially obsessed with this and am already wanting to plan a NYE party around it. Dying.  Party in a Box. Done right. You get 3 fans, 3 bunting balls, 6 votive holders, 1 cocktail shaker, 1 serving tray & 6 champagne coupes! Such a great gift for your fun party throwing friend. Or if you are that party throwing friend, buy it for yourself. You deserve it. Then invite us over!

available at west elm

A Dinner in Fall

29 Oct


Seriously anytime you put a cactus in a pumpkin and spray paint other pumpkins gold, you know its gonna be a good nite.


It was a double oven kind of nite. Which meant my bangs were definitely curly. #hotcook

recipes below. IMG_6185

tic tac toe of puff pastry yumminess. cut your puff pastry into even squares, i may or may not have had to use a ruler and then add toppings. we did orange, sage, salt and honey, pear, honey and chevre and hot pepper jelly and chevre (inspired by martha, no link, it was in her mag)IMG_6205

chalkboard sign, chalkboard pen wouldn’t work, so i went old school with the dusty chalk.IMG_6178again, gold pumpkin. and rosemary wreaths on IRONED napkins with little name tags. just printed the names on kraft colored card stock and cut them into little flags and then used floral wire to form the rosemary into wreaths.


puff pastry appetizer

pear prosecco spritzers

recipe from so simpatico

roasted butter garlic sage chicken with pomegranate glaze on a bed of roasted veggies (i used apples, butternut squash and fingerling potatoes)

recipe from in sock monkey slippers

my favorite brussell sprout recipe of all time (i leave out the anchovies)

recipe from food & wine

chocolate cake and copious amounts of yummy wine




10 Months.

17 Sep


i super love my dad. like so much. my mom tries not to be jealous.IMG_5269



i am usually very sweet.IMG_5272

i like to point. it creates extra emphasis.IMG_5275

i like to wave. sometimes it means pick me up, sometimes it means i want more banana, sometimes it means hi, just depends.IMG_5284

this is my face i make when someone tries to mess with me. people messed with me a lot when i was first born and it makes me kinda get mad.IMG_5287

but i forgive pretty fast.IMG_5288

i love to stick my tongue out. i even know the word tongue. i don’t know the word mama, but i know the word tongue, so that is good.IMG_5290

i get naughty and stand up lots of places i am not supposed to.IMG_5294

i love cats. that is another word i can say. but i can’t say mama. did i tell you that? 

we love this girl. she is funny, feisty, happy, kinda crazy, has had more owies in her short life than the rest of her family put together (see fat lip in photos) and she fills our hearts to the brim. can’t believe its been 10 months. her heart is healthy, we have been no where near a hospital in at least 3 months and she is tipping the charts at about 3%, looking chubby and well fed. in fact she will eat anything.

 still thankful.

(oh and i’m totally ok with the fact that both girls first word was dada and that when they both see him, they swoon. cause he is a pretty great guy and kinda makes me swoon too)

A Splendid Contest

19 Aug





Ok, this is pretty amazing. A two day “crafting community camp” at the Ace Hotel in Palm Springs. We love the Ace and we love crafts. And we love Splendid too. Enter to win a trip to the camp and $500 Splendid gift card. Yes Please!  

Enter here!


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 154 other followers

%d bloggers like this: