Well this has been a long time coming. . .I think I became a bit overwhelmed by the whole process and just needed to focus on the day to day and for some reason that just did not include keeping up on my writing. The last I left off was a hopeful wish for month number 2 in the fertility process. (Read that post here) Well surprisingly that hope turned into reality and we were successful with our second month of treatment. We were so surprised and joyful and as our doctor told us, we remained cautiously optimistic with the magical 12 week date in our sights. Things went well for a couple of weeks with the normal all day hungover feeling that I remembered from the first time around, as well as the tipping over on the couch immediately following dinner only to wake up to move to the bed. Starting at about week 6 I began to have some complications, they were explained to us as being normal complications and because the baby was measuring perfectly and the heartbeat was strong, we were told not to worry. Easier said than done obviously, but we tried.
Fast forward to today, 21 weeks, and the complications have not stopped, I have been on bed rest or limited activity for the past 15 weeks and the worries have become bigger and more real. Last week we were in the hospital because of some bleeding and after an ultrasound were told that things did not look good. My fluid was very low and the placenta just did not look healthy, there was also a large blood clot inside. We were devastated and heartbroken. My thoughts went immediately to Madeira. How was I going to tell my little girl who had been waiting for a sibling for 5 years that after months of excitement and planning, it was no longer meant to be. I also felt sadness that I would never have another baby (from my own womb) because I knew in my heart that I would never have the strength to do this again. I was then checked in to the hospital to wait out the nite so that my body could do what it “naturally was going to do”. The next 24 hours were filled with sadness, stress and only a tiny bit of hope. I went to so many different places in my mind, places that I felt guilty about. . .almost hoping that it would just be over soon and that we would be able to just move on with our lives and take care of Madeira and pretend that this had all never happened. I felt awful thinking that way, but I now know that it was my way of coping with the shocking news. The nurses, our friends, family and Sam were amazing through all of it and without them, I think I would have just completely shut down. That and HGTV. If you ever just need to completely zone out and not think, watch HGTV, it is perfect and you can totally judge and laugh at other people’s poor design choices-just kidding, kind of. 🙂
When our doctor visited us the next day, we were armed with tons of questions and ready to fight to not be induced. But she was a wonderfully pleasant surprise. She was hopeful and positive and said we could go home, her words and attitude was exactly the opposite of the previous day’s doctor. She said to stay on complete laying down bed rest and drink a ton of water. We packed up and went home and prepared ourselves on the way for our talk with Madeira, who had no idea what had been going on the last couple of days thanks to wonderful friends who took care of her with a “surprise sleepover”.
A few days later we went in for an ultrasound with our doctor and the baby was wiggling all around and waving its hands at us, as if to say “hey I am still here and I am good”. There was a bit of fluid which was great news, but things are definitely still rocky. The doctor told us our goal is August 25th. If I can make it at home until then with no further complications, we will be at 24 weeks. At that time, they will be able to help the baby out a bit to make sure it is as strong as can be upon delivery, whenever that may come. We have said many times that we never thought our goal would be to have our baby at 24 weeks, who will then likely spend months in the NICU, but that is our current hope. And once we get to 24 weeks, then we will put our hope in 28 weeks next. We have a detailed ultrasound next Thursday and will be praying and hoping to see that baby waving its hands at us again floating in a ton of fluid!
So, that is the current status of project baby. Being on bed rest has been crazy and has forced me to be the exact opposite person that I normally am. Talk about surrendering. I will post more on that subject another day. But for now, I would love for you to join us in our hoping, praying, focusing on that 24 weeks and a healthy strong baby and healthy and strong (and freshly shaven legged, thanks Sam and Madeira) mommy! We have been overwhelmed by the amount of love, help and support that we have been given by our friends and family and will forever be grateful.