I have decided to do it. Come out from the dark and share, hopefully I don’t regret it. I do not think I will. The things that have been holding me back are kind of silly anyways and I have never been one to be super private, so why not? Also, I really have been wanting to keep a journal about all of this, but that just never happens, so I will just make it a public journal. I hope to find a way to stay on the side of not over sharing, but being open enough to be relatable. So here goes.
Sam and I are so lucky to have our daughter, M (for Maddie or Madeira or Buggie or Maddie Joy or whoever she decides she would like to be at that moment), but for the last four years we have been “just seeing what happens” in our desire to grant her the sibling she asks for quite frequently & that we had always hoped for. Well, we have seen what has happened and it kind of has been nothing, if you know what I mean. Which has been hard and disappointing, but also has been OK. I still felt young and like there was time for it to happen, so I really did not allow myself to venture into the land of sadness or despair. ESPECIALLY because we did have M. It almost did not feel like we were allowed to feel sadness when we had more than so many others ever have. So, we just kept “trying while not trying”. Well, things have changed now, as I happened to come upon the magical age of 25 (to the second decade degree, read 35) this past year & it has now transitioned from “just see what happens” to “project baby”. Now without venturing into the land of over sharing, M was quite easy to create. In fact so easy that I spent my first anniversary sipping sparkly water rather than sparkly wine in a super sexy maternity top. So, why this time not? Don’t know yet, but we found the most amazing baby maker doctor in town and are feeling really hopeful that it will happen. (possible over share about to happen) I have just finished 10 days of Provera and am now waiting for the next step. By the way, Provera was quite disappointing, I had read many stories of women becoming crazy grumpy and I was kind of looking forward to the excuse, but for me, I lost 6 pounds and was quite calm the entire time, almost less nuts than I usually am, it seemed. Bummer, huh (except the 6 pounds part)? I really wanted my head to spin a little bit.
…to be continued.