5 months

time is going too fast! why can’t it go as slow as it did on bed rest?

we are so in crazy love with this baby.

she is so sweet and so funny.

some thoughts that lola wanted me to pass on about being 5 months.

do not try to make me sit up. it is too much work. i like to lay down. i don’t care what other babies do.

do not make me wait for my bottle. it gets me so fired up.

do not leave me on my stomach for longer than five minutes. see above about sitting up.

please beat box for me all day long. it is my favorite and makes me laugh hard.

tell sister to never stop reading to me in the mornings. i love that.

i do not like to baby babble. i prefer to scream. or spit. (my version of beat boxing)

when you put me in my swing for a nap, i can not help it that i would rather ninja kick.

most of the time i sleep all nite for you. when i want to party at 4am, please be entertaining, do not try to put me back in bed.

stop trying to figure out my personality. sometimes you are funny and sometimes you are not. simple.

i love my pink & white vintage dress that was auntie megan’s. tell her thank you.

ps. mommy, what happened to your “i will never talk in the voice of my baby rule”?

xox

sweet baby lola

 

 

lola & maddie’s room

while i was on bed rest, friends and family helped me convert maddie’s bedroom into a room for her to share with lola. it was hard for me not to be up and doing it all myself because I LOVE that kind of stuff, but everyone was so sweet to help and they truly created the perfect room for the girls. i love it so much i wanted to share it with you!

I made Lola’s mobile from the sweet feather wishes that were at my baby shower (which I still need to post!) I just attached them to a wooden embroidery hoop and then put a trim of fringe around. She loves to stare at it and I love that she sleeps below wonderful words of hope and love.

Those beautiful vintage story books were my mom’s when she was little, I had them and now my girls have them.

Love these prints. “I am not afraid of storms, as I am learning how to sail my ship.” I purchased that one when lola was in the NICU. So perfect.

The Ikea bookshelf with baskets is just what we needed to save space. Each girl gets four cubbies for toys and four cubbies for books. 

Lola’s shoe collection is amazing. I can’t wait for her feet to be big enough to fit in them!

Madeira decided she would share her special tree outside her window.

Vintage baskets hold Lola’s diapers and necessities and make them look so cute!

AM Photographer Daddy takes amazing photos on his runs at the beach. Instacanvas turned them into great prints for the room.

Madeira collects Shel Silverstein books. Love.

Every girl’s room needs a vintage pink globe and pink musical horse, right?

There are links to most everything on my Pinterest. (as well as links to the items that I could not find a way to stuff in the room!)

xox

March

I have taken on two “projects” for the month of March. I am super excited about both of them.  Keep reading and join me, we will have fun together.  And sorry for the late notice.

First, “March into Organization” from KMD Organizing-31 10 minute tasks to organize your life. Seriously, at the end of March I am going to be so organized and I don’t want you to be jealy jeal, so do it with me!! It’s free and she sends you a few days at a time so you don’t freak out and quit. Yesterday was tupperware and today is the linen closet, two places in my house that were sadly neglected.

before, colorful but messy

after, tupperware heaven

Join Here

Second, Darling Magazine’s March Instagram Photo Challenge, see details below.

My first photo, “Rest”

(I may or may not have blurred out my forehead wrinkles, why does Botox have to be so scary to me? I did NOT blur out Lola’s mullet, don’t ever tell)

My instagram is carialina. Let’s be friends.

happy 3

Lola is 3 months and 10 pounds today. Growing fast.

birth day. 11.13.12

2 weeks, home from NICU

1 month

2 months (oops forgot the chair)today. 3 months.

in love.

xox

Lola Capri

1 day old

3.5 weeks old

She is here! We made it. I have really put off writing this. Partly because I am way too busy snuggling with this sweet little girl and partly because it kind of gives me a knot in my stomach to think about putting the last few weeks into words. Lola Capri was born on November 13, I am not sure when, as I was taking a long winter’s nap during the process.  I do know she was 18 inches long and 5 pounds 4 ounces. And I do know she is an amazing, strong, sweet and peaceful baby who when I look in her eyes, I know she knows what we went through together and how very special it is that she is here. Every baby is a miracle and she is ours.  The story of her birth is below. I do not know how graphic I will get and I do not even know if I have all of the details right, as I was not really “there”. I want to write it not only for those that are interested, but for us, so that we never forget how much we wanted this baby and how much she wanted to be a part of our family and how much we believe God helped make that happen.

The beginning of our story is written about previously here, here, here, and here. To summarize, this baby was five years in the making. After some help we were so happy to be pregnant.  The pregnancy was normal for about five days and then got crazy and never stopped. At 19 weeks, we were told we were losing her. A sweet friend said, “there is a heart beat, do not give up on her”. And so we did not. I then laid on a couch for 5 months to try to keep her safe inside. I took weekly injections of hormones and only left the house for our numerous ultra sounds and doctor visits.  Every visit the news was never good, but it seemed to get a little better the closer we got to “viability”. Such a terrible word.  We had a calendar and celebrated every week. 24, 28, 32 were the big ones. We made it to week 35. We never thought we would. But we did. And we thought, we made it this far, everything is going to go great now. Our c section was scheduled for November 16 and the doctors were prepared for anything, but hoped for a normal delivery.

The morning of November 13, I woke up bleeding.  We knew that meant it was time. It was 4.30am and by 4.45am, Sam, Madeira and I were in the car on the way to the hospital. M was so brave and made me so proud. We got to the hospital and they said they were going to try to have us make it to deliver around 10am, so the hospital would be better staffed, just in case. Around 10.45, I was taken in for the epidural.  After numerous attempts at epidural and spinal, some strong shots to my nerves and emotional exhaustion of the anesthesiologist, me, the nurse holding me and my doctor, we all collectively decided to just put me under general.  That meant Sam could not be in the room and I would not meet my baby when she was born. After a few tears of disappointment and fear, I laid down and went to sleep for what I thought would be about an hour. 

Four and a half hours later I woke up to nurses and surgical recovery staff and heard scary words about my super low blood pressure and super high heart rate. I felt like I had not had anything to drink for days, my tummy felt like it had been ripped out of my body and I wanted to know where my baby was. Well, while I slept, my baby was born removed with a vacuum from my belly and sent to the NICU, my uterus, tubes and cervix were removed, I received 6 units of blood, 14 bags of fluid and gained 40 pounds from the fluids and my mom and friends sat in the waiting room, while Sam ran back and forth to the NICU and trying to get updates on me. My placenta had grown through everything and had grown so many veins that when they tried to remove it, I began to hemorrhage. My theory is that it had to do this in order to stay attached and continue to feed Lola while she was inside. I heard that someone said that no baby should have been able to survive on the conditions that were inside of me and I know by reading that many mommies do not survive births like mine. Grateful. And that epidural that did not work, grateful. I can not imagine if Sam and I had witnessed any of what happened.

Lola was sent to the NICU at birth because of respiratory problems and the risk of sepsis from all of the bleeding. I was sent to ICU to be monitored and given more blood and fluids. She and I finally met a day and a half after she was born. I reached through the hole of the incubator and touched her leg. And I could not say anything.  I just thought to myself we made it and sat looking at her with tears rolling down my face. I was given five minutes with her and then taken to my recovery room. We were so well taken care of by the amazing nurses and doctors. They made me feel like were going to be OK, which was what I really needed.

After five days, I was healthy enough to go home.  Which was wonderful, except for, I was leaving without Lola. Being wheeled out of the hospital that nite, leaving her behind broke my heart. Madeira softened the hurt a little by decorating the house with welcome home signs and her big smile. The next 8 days Sam spent his time taking care of me and spending time at the NICU with Lola. He was amazing. I felt so safe and taken care of and knew that Lola felt loved and nurtured by him as well. I do not know how he did it, but the love I have for him is so deep. Lola got to come home on Sunday, the 25th.  What a day to have all four of us under the same roof. We were complete.

This has been a life changing experience for so many reasons.  None of us will ever be the same.  The love we have felt and the prayers and good thoughts that have come our way from so many is what has made this dream come true and is overwhelming. I am trying these days to focus on what is and not what might have been. It is hard sometimes and there are moments when I just break down about what could have happened- the thought of Sam being a daddy to two girls without a mama or the thought of our family without Lola.  But thankfully that was not the plan for us. Sam, Cari, Madeira and Lola happy and healthy, that was the plan. I am forever grateful. Amazing love.

Project Baby

 

I knit that hat during week 19-When I thought we were losing our baby. It was all I could do.  I felt deep down in my heart that our baby would get to wear that hat one day even though my mind really wanted me to believe something else.  It can only be explained as miraculous that I am still pregnant with our healthy baby girl. I am 33 weeks.  That is crazy.  We will be having her in 3 weeks on November 16th (unless something happens prior). I definitely have fears and feel like I know too much about some of the obstacles that will face the doctors when they deliver Lola, but . . .

“There is a peace I’ve come to know, though my heart and flesh may fail. There’s an anchor for my soul. I can say, it is well.”

And it is well.

 I try to keep my mind focused on holding her and on both of us being healthy and happy. And getting to be a mommy and wife again and take care of my friends and family the way they have so sweetly taken care of our family the last few months.

Can’t wait to introduce you all to Lola Capri in a few weeks.

xox

(lyrics from Chris Tomlin, “I Will Rise”)

Project Baby

 

Well we made it to goal 2. We have actually passed it and are at week 29 today.  So, we have moved out of the micro preemie world with Miss Lola Capri still inside of my belly.  I kind of think we can’t believe it.  It has been such a crazy few months and now it is time to switch our brains to we are going to have a baby soon mode.  Which is amazing. Every appointment things have looked better and better.  She has continued to grow properly.  Our chromosomal testing came back negative (which confirms that she just has my short legs).  And my insides have healed more than they thought they would.  We definitely still have some issues and some scary possibilities in the next few weeks, but the doctors are all aware and prepared and we know what we have to do if one of those were to arise.  If things continue to be mellow, we will most likely have an amnio in 7 weeks to check her lungs and if they are properly developed, deliver around november 15. Supposedly the problem that I have tends to show itself again (a crazy funky placenta that is also a previa) around 36 weeks, so if we deliver around then, we might be able to avoid said ugly “problem”.  My doctor said to prepare for a possible hysterectomy, which after all of this, is just fine with me. She also said that because my (placenta-sorry) is so ginormous and weird, that I will most likely have gestational diabetes. So, that will put an end to my pumpkin scone and lemon blueberry pancake addiction.  We do that test in a couple of weeks. So, I will load up until then (in case my dr. ever sees this, i am totally kidding). kind of.

So, I continue my bed rest until I deliver and continue to be amazed at the support and love we have received for so long.  There is not a day that goes by when someone does not offer some sort of help or a visit.  I can not wait to have my baby girl, heal and then be able to give back in some way for how much we have been given.  It is seriously nuts how wonderful people are and that in the midst of everyone’s own crazy lives, they take time out for us.  I truly believe that we would not have made it this far without the help we have gotten.  And we will make sure that Lola knows how many people loved her before she was even born.  And we also know that the pressure is on to raise this girl right, cause she definitely was supposed to be here with us.  Madeira is pretty awesome, we think, so hopefully we can just do all that again, even though we are a tad bit older and have a tad less energy these days.

So, that is where we are at today.  Lots of love and thanks.  So very grateful.

Project Baby

A few weeks ago we came home from one of our doctor appointments and surprised M with a banana split with a PINK candle.  She is going to be a big sister to a sister. We are so excited for another little girl and so is she.  The past few weeks have had their ups and downs with a couple hospital visits and lots of doctor appointments.  As I wrote before we were told about 5 weeks ago that there was not much hope, but we put our focus on our goal of reaching 24 weeks.  Well we have met that goal and surpassed it and are so grateful.    We owe so much of our gratitude to all of our wonderful friends, family, doctors who have truly been there for us and stepped in to help in so many ways.

On Sunday I was in the hospital with some issues, the worst of was my heart racing and feeling like I was going to pass out.  I have struggled in the past with panic attacks and have surprisingly been managing them very well throughout this pregnancy.  So, I was really surprised to have two really bad ones on Sunday and was worried about my blood pressure spiking or me passing out.  So, we decided to just go.  Once I got to the hospital, the nurturing of my doctor and the amazing labor and delivery nurses settled me right down and I began to feel better.  Since I was there they decided to put me on a hydration IV, monitor my bleeding and start me on steroids to help the baby’s lungs in case I was to deliver.  So, we actually felt good about the trip in, the only bummer was I was told I would need to stay over nite and it was the nite before the first day of school for M. We make a really big deal about the a new school year and have some traditions we love to do, so we were a little bummed that those things were going to have to happen in our hospital room.  But we made the most of it and shared a hospital dinner together and talked about the coming year.  After dinner, Sam left with Madeira for the nite and we made plans for him to bring her by in the morning before school so I could see her outfit and give her a big smooch for the first day.  Needless to say there were a lot of tears from both of us when she left.  The nurse came in and took note of the situation and somehow communicated this to my doctor. My amazingly compassionate doctor then showed up in my room 20 minutes later and busted me out at 9:30-she said that it was more important for me to be home for M. She made arrangements for me to get the medication I needed the next day and within minutes, I was packed, IV was out and hospital gown was off and a very happy Madeira and Sam came to pick me up.  So, I was able to be there in the morning to put a braid in my sweet second grader’s hair! We both had huge smiles as she left for school. So grateful for moments like those.

We had an appointment today and were told that things are looking better.  Next goal is 28 weeks and I have to say I think we are going to make it! Everything that looked so dismal a few weeks ago, looked so much better today, even the doctor seemed surprised.  Her legs did measure a bit smaller than they should which when combined with the “funky” placenta (sorry for writing that word) sets off a bit of an alarm for a chromosomal disorder.  So although the doctor did not seem too concerned, he did ask us to go and do some testing, so that if there is some sort of issue, we can be better prepared for it at birth.  So, we went and did that today and should find out in a couple of weeks.  I personally think it is completely normal for the baby of a 5 foot 2 girl to have short legs, though.

So, I continue my bed rest, which I am kind of getting good at and go back for another ultrasound in 3 weeks and unless labor of some sort starts before then, we should be good and baby girl can just keep growing and getting stronger.

Thanks for all of your positive thoughts, prayers, calls/texts, meals, visits and play dates for M.  We feel the love.

Project Baby

 

Well this has been a long time coming. . .I think I became a bit overwhelmed by the whole process and just needed to focus on the day to day and for some reason that just did not include keeping up on my writing.  The last I left off was a hopeful wish for month number 2 in the fertility process. (Read that post here)  Well surprisingly that hope turned into reality and we were successful with our second month of treatment.  We were so surprised and joyful and as our doctor told us, we remained cautiously optimistic with the magical 12 week date in our sights.  Things went well for a couple of weeks with the normal all day hungover feeling that I remembered from the first time around, as well as the tipping over on the couch immediately following dinner only to wake up to move to the bed. Starting at about week 6 I began to have some complications, they were explained to us as being normal complications and because the baby was measuring perfectly and the heartbeat was strong, we were told not to worry.  Easier said than done obviously, but we tried.

Fast forward to today, 21 weeks, and the complications have not stopped, I have been on bed rest or limited activity for the past 15 weeks and the worries have become bigger and more real.  Last week we were in the hospital because of some bleeding and after an ultrasound were told that things did not look good.  My fluid was very low and the placenta just did not look healthy, there was also a large blood clot inside.  We were devastated and heartbroken.  My thoughts went immediately to Madeira. How was I going to tell my little girl who had been waiting for a sibling for 5 years that after months of excitement and planning, it was no longer meant to be.  I also felt sadness that I would never have another baby (from my own womb) because I knew in my heart that I would never have the strength to do this again.  I was then checked in to the hospital to wait out the nite so that my body could do what it “naturally was going to do”.  The next 24 hours were filled with sadness, stress and only a tiny bit of hope.  I went to so many different places in my mind, places that I felt guilty about. . .almost hoping that it would just be over soon and that we would be able to just move on with our lives and take care of Madeira and pretend that this had all never happened. I felt awful thinking that way, but I now know that it was my way of coping with the shocking news.  The nurses, our friends, family and Sam were amazing through all of it and without them, I think I would have just completely shut down.  That and HGTV. If you ever just need to completely zone out and not think, watch HGTV, it is perfect and you can totally judge and laugh at other people’s poor design choices-just kidding, kind of.

When our doctor visited us the next day, we were armed with tons of questions and ready to fight to not be induced. But she was a wonderfully pleasant surprise.  She was hopeful and positive and said we could go home, her words and attitude was exactly the opposite of the previous day’s doctor.  She said to stay on complete laying down bed rest and drink a ton of water.  We packed up and went home and prepared ourselves on the way for our talk with Madeira, who had no idea what had been going on the last couple of days thanks to wonderful friends who took care of her with a “surprise sleepover”.

A few days later we went in for an ultrasound with our doctor and the baby was wiggling all around and waving its hands at us, as if to say “hey I am still here and I am good”.  There was a bit of fluid which was great news, but things are definitely still rocky.  The doctor told us our goal is August 25th.  If I can make it at home until then with no further complications, we will be at 24 weeks.  At that time, they will be able to help the baby out a bit to make sure it is as strong as can be upon delivery, whenever that may come.  We have said many times that we never thought our goal would be to have our baby at 24 weeks, who will then likely spend months in the NICU, but that is our current hope.  And once we get to 24 weeks, then we will put our hope in 28 weeks next. We have a detailed ultrasound next Thursday and will be praying and hoping to see that baby waving its hands at us again floating in a ton of fluid!

So, that is the current status of project baby.  Being on bed rest has been crazy and has forced me to be the exact opposite person that I normally am.  Talk about surrendering.  I will post more on that subject another day.  But for now, I would love for you to join us in our hoping, praying, focusing on that 24 weeks and a healthy strong baby and healthy and strong (and freshly shaven legged, thanks Sam and Madeira) mommy!  We have been overwhelmed by the amount of love, help and support that we have been given by our friends and family and will forever be grateful.

xox

Little Man Baby Shower

We had such a super fun time throwing this shower for my SIL, Tracy, who is having her little Arlo boy very soon.

I am going to share more photos and lots of DIY projects from the day in the next week or so. . .

Favors were from Jewelry by Rebecca, they were bronze clay tree charms (Arlo is a type of  a tree) on a leather cord, wrapped around a white tag and put in a yellow chevron bag from porfavour, with a mustache sticker from Paper Source.  We were inspired to make our balloon streamers by Geronimo Balloons.  Cupcakes were made by the fabulous Miss Brittney and cupcakes by the also fabulous Miss Becca (teachers where Tracy, the mama to be works). The beautiful home and food was done by Tracy’s godmother, Cristeen and friends. We stuck with the navy, grey, yellow, white colors that Tracy is using in her nursery.  More to come. . .